How To Be Safe Online: Roleplay Edition

So you're an online roleplayer. Your hobby requires you to talk to strangers online. So how do you do that safely?This carrd is an all-ages guide for basic Internet safety, including what it means to be safe, how to assess someone for safety, and some scripts for having difficult conversations.

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How To Be Safe Online: Roleplay Edition © 2024 by Sasha Barbermonger is licensed under CC BY-NC-SA 4.0

What Is Safety?

The basic definition of safety is 'being protected from danger, risk, or injury'. When we talk about Internet safety, what we mean is taking a series of actions that limits the chances someone will harm you, and limiting the ways that they can harm you. You will never be able to totally control whether something bad might happen, but taking some steps ahead of time will help reduce the chances.We can also take steps to be safe people. We want to make choices that do not endanger others. Learning about what puts us in danger helps show us what we should not do to other people.Taking steps towards safety is good for us. We take responsibility over what we can control. At the same time, we do not want to blame people if they are harmed. We can discourage recklessness while also remembering that people should choose not to harm others, even if they are given the opportunity.

Discomfort vs. Harm

An important factor in determining whether you are unsafe is separating the ideas of 'uncomfortable' and 'harmed'. Sometimes we encounter unfamiliar or scary situations which bring up negative emotions, but at the same time, nothing bad has actually happened to us. How does this work?Your brain releases chemicals according to situations that happen. However, your brain does not know the difference between a real situation and an imagined situation. Because it wants to get you away from every possibility of danger, it will tend to overreact. Imagining that someone has hurt you -- like they have jumped out of an alley and punched you, for example -- can feel, in your body, like the real thing is happening. Your heart may beat faster, your palms may sweat, your chest may get tight, and your stomach may turn over.Our brains are also programmed to get along with other people. We do not like fighting. Most of us, when forced to confront someone, will feel like running away. If we feel like we cannot get away, we may then feel like fighting in order to make the other person run away. This quickly becomes a problem in many cases where the other person does not want to attack us, but might simply disagree with us. Maybe the other person is doing nothing at all, and we only feel they are doing something to us because we have seen them, heard them, or read something they said online. To them, our attack is coming from nowhere.It is important to step back and carefully consider what is really happening online so we can make good decisions about how to deal with our feelings and solve problems. If we are just uncomfortable, we can usually calm ourselves down and often resolve the problem simply by walking away or shifting our perspective. If we are being harmed, we may need to take bigger steps to solve the problem.

Discomfort

Discomfort is when we feel uneasy, embarrassed, or anxious. We feel something is 'off' about a situation. We may think something or someone is weird, gross, rude, or mean. However, discomfort is a normal part of being alive and being around other people. Different people have different feelings and different interests and goals at different times. Because we are all different, there will be times when these differences cause friction. This does not mean any person is right or wrong. It is not a situation with a 'good guy' and a 'bad guy'. Part of being a person in the world means we will always be in 'gray' situations where there is a mix of 'good' and 'bad' on both sides.One example of this is an upset or unwell person who is yelling in a public place. If you are walking through the mall or down the street and you hear shouting, you may be frightened. Is this person angry? Are they going to attack you? You feel uncomfortable. You may want to call the police. However, the police often physically injure, even kill, the people they are called on. It is safer for you to try and avoid the upset person than it is to act on your discomfort. Acting on your discomfort will likely lead to violence.Another example is when you are online and someone says something you do not particularly like. What they said bothers you, or reminds you of something that bothers you. It is like a rock in your shoe or an itch on your arm. You may want to punish them for making you feel that way. However, like the upset person on the street, it is likely the other person is not behaving the way they are with the intention or goal of affecting you. Even if they were trying to bother you, we do not want to respond to a situation with greater violence. In order for our world to be safer and more peaceful, we as individuals must act in safer and more peaceful ways.Lastly, it can be uncomfortable simply to express our real wants and desires to another person. Even with our friends, we may be afraid to plainly state what we want or don't want because we are afraid of rejection. When we initiate these difficult conversations, we may feel very uncomfortable. We may be primed to overreact to any perceived dismissal or rejection. It is very important to manage our discomfort in these situations so we can have a healthy, productive exchange with the other person. Approaching someone in good faith -- with the assumption that the other person wants a situation to work out positively -- helps us manage our discomfort and keep our eyes on shared, peace-centered goals.

Harm

Harm is when someone has taken a material action to damage us. The word 'material' usually refers to a physical object, but we will also use it to refer to digital material. We use the word 'material' because we want to point to something demonstrable and definable as opposed to simply having 'a bad feeling'.When we are uncomfortable, usually the situation is still open to interpretation. Identifying harm is about finding positive proof that 1) something damaging has occurred and 2) the damage is definite. 'Definite' means that we can measure the damage, and that it is consistently damaging regardless of interpretation or intent.Once you begin to separate 'harm' and 'discomfort', you will notice a clearer and clearer separation. Reading a blog post you find annoying is uncomfortable, because you can easily close the browser window to avoid it, and because you can consider that maybe friends of the blogger like the post, even if you don't. Reading a blog post where someone's name, age, and job are posted is harmful, because you know that sharing that information could get someone fired, causing them to lose their income, which can lead to someone being homeless, sick, starving, or suicidal.Harm can be intentional or harm can be careless, but it almost always involves taking more clear, defined steps than discomfort. To harm someone effectively, you must take a clear action, either with the goal of damaging someone or without thought as to whether someone can be damaged by what you are doing. Sometimes we harm others because we are so focused on our own thoughts and feelings that we do not consider the impacts of our actions. Sometimes we harm others because we want to punish them.When asking whether someone is harmed, consider the following questions. If the answer is 'yes', harm has likely occurred.

Punishment
vs. Consequence

Sometimes we feel that someone has really done something wrong and they should feel bad for it. However, we want to separate punishment from consequences in order to promote a safer world.Punishment is when we want someone to hurt and suffer for what they've done. Consequences are when someone loses privileges for behaving in a way we find unacceptable.Here's an easy example: you have a friend that keeps saying mean things to you. A consequence would be for you to stop being friends with this person: your friendship is a privilege, not a right, and you can withdraw that privilege at your choosing. A punishment would be to go around to your friends spreading rumors and cruel statements about this person. You are making them suffer for what they've done.Suffering does not make the world safer. The more hurt, alone, angry, and afraid someone is, the less capable they become of making good decisions. People make better decisions when they have communities that will correct their behavior and support better decisions.People also cannot make better decisions when they do not understand what they did wrong or why it was wrong. We must be able and willing to explain to someone what they did and why we did not approve of it. This explanation does not always need to be long, but it does need to be clear. While we may want to demand that a person read our minds or understand a complicated social situations, this is not effective in bringing about changed behavior.Lastly, we do not want to be people who make the world less safe. The willingness to harm others makes us unsafe people. Deciding that some people can be subjected to violence if we feel upset or threatened means we think this is an acceptable rule for the world to live by. It is likely that someone, somewhere finds you upsetting or threatening. You would want them to deal with this feeling constructively instead of harming you. To make the world safer, we must act in a way that lessens the amount of harm and violence in the world.All of this can be challenging online, where the lack of knowledge about other people (their history, their tone of voice) makes us more likely to assume negative things. Practicing deep breathing, slow thinking, and positive mindsets can help counteract this negative thinking so we can be friendlier and safer online.

Safety Basics

The first rule of the Internet is an old one: "no one knows that you're a dog online". This jokes means that you could be talking to anyone online, even a dog. You could be a dog. Until we take multiple, repeated steps to verify the truth of what someone is saying, we cannot be sure of who they are. Even in the offline world, people are capable of lying to us -- people lie, cheat, and steal in the offline world every day. However, it is easier to lie online, because we do not have the hints of someone's face, voice, or life context.What is context? If someone told you they were a millionaire but they were dressed shabby, that is context that would make you question them. Online, someone can tell you that they are a millionaire, but you are not able to see the bigger picture to help you determine whether they are telling the truth. Online, you have very limited context. It is important to keep this in mind when you interact.People are also able to fabricate pictures, video, and their voices through creating digital content or stealing someone else's content. Even if you are receiving real pictures and videos, how can you be sure they belong to the person sending them to you?Asking these questions is not meant to make you paranoid. It is simply meant to make you slow down, stop, and think.In general, consider the dangers of telling someone your real name, where you live, what you look like, your personal history, your mental illness, your sexuality and sexual interests, what you do for school/work, and your traumas. Each additional piece of information can be put together to cause you harm.Remember: if someone cannot figure out who you are, they will be limited in their ability to harm you. Your ability to erase your internet presence and start over is the best guarantee for safety. The more you reveal, the harder and harder it becomes to start over.

What Should I Tell Someone?

Many people use the internet to meet people, make friends, and even date. Modern social media means that people can make money by sharing details about themselves, their personal lives, their histories, and their everyday activities. Generally speaking, you should avoid giving out your full name, address, or phone number online. You should be cautious about posting any pictures of yourself. If you are a minor, you should be especially careful about sharing and linking social media accounts, as it can allow people to stalk you by following you from platform to platform.Social media makes its money by selling data to advertisers. When you log into a social media app, such as TikTok, Instagram, or Facebook, the company collects your data (such as which videos you look at and how long you look at them) and sorts them into profiles. These profiles are used to predict what you might buy. Advertisers then use this data to push ads towards you that they feel are most likely to appeal to you. At the same time, human beings are wired to be social. We are naturally curious about other humans and feel closer to them when they share details about themselves.What does this have to do with safety? Understanding that corporations have conditioned you to share information about yourself so that they can make money can help you understand the strong impulse to share information with other people. Knowing that the human brain wants to connect with other people, and that sharing is a way we form connections, can also help you put this impulse into perspective. However, we have to be very careful about the information we share.If you are a minor, any of the following information is dangerous to share:

If you are an adult, the following information could be used to track you down in some way, at some point:

For minors, personal details can be used primarily by predators for manipulation, stalking, and bullying. For adults, collecting personal details is often part of more complex harassment campaigns where harassers will use the information you disclose to tie you to things you say and do online, and then your online activities will be forwarded to target you (sending screenshots to your friends, family, or employers.)
Be very aware of what you share, where you share, and who you share with.

Danger Examples

Example 1: You are a queer teenager in a small, Midwestern town. Your family is conservative. Offline you must act and dress in ways that your family and community expect. Online is the place you can be yourself. You are excited to explore your queer identity and make friends with other queer teenagers.Danger: What if you provide more specific details about yourself, such as your real name and location? What if an Internet troll, or someone from your high school, was able to identify you? What if they could report you to your parents?This example shows why someone might want to selectively reveal information and even use an alternate name or 'alias' online. The more details the teenager provides online -- their location (general or specific), name, race, daily activities -- the more information can be traced back to them.Example 2: You are a man looking to write romantic storylines online. You meet a woman online with the same interests. The two of you start writing together. As you write, you feel yourself growing closer and closer to her. You start to tell her about your life outside of roleplaying. You begin to avoid other social commitments as you prefer to spend your time with your new friend. Your friend is encouraging but guarded, allowing you to open up even as you feel she stays a little at a distance.Danger: While the example uses a man and woman to illustrate the issue, any gender can fall into this trap in roleplay. The intensity of roleplaying can lead people to project a friendship that has not yet been established through mutual agreement and equal, progressive sharing. One person may allow the other to pay them more and more attention while not reciprocating the intensity of the connection.For the person falling deeper, the risks are many. They could become distracted from their job/school and offline social life. They could begin to offer money to the other person. They could send sexual pictures or share deeply personal information that could be later used against them. In the excitement of finding a 'good listener', it is easy to go overboard and put ourselves into dangerous situations.Example 3: You join a new group chat or Discord server. You love to share pictures of yourself. You quickly begin posting pictures of yourself and your daily life, especially your pets. You talk a great deal about your daily life because you want people to get to know you.Danger: Everything you post online can survive forever. People can save pictures of you and circulate them. People may dislike you and start to slowly collect information about you. With enough information, they can find your real name, phone number, friends, and your school or job. These people may contact your friends, family, or employer in order to say terrible things about you, hoping to get you kicked out.Example 4: You join a new group or Discord server. The Discord server says that you must share your birth date or a picture of your photo identification with "fields blacked out" in order to be able to access certain channels or "prove" you are an adult.Danger: Information security is extremely serious. A random group owner or Discord server owner is not trained to handle sensitive information such as dates of birth or photo identification. While these people think they are helping, they could actually be legally liable if and when their data storage is compromised and a malicious party now has access to the dates of birth of minors and/or adults. There is also no reason you should trust strangers with sensitive information such as your identification or date of birth. They could easily be bad actors who will use this information to steal your identity or otherwise harm you. Lastly, many corporations have their data frequently hacked. Once you enter something into a chat, it could eventually be hacked or stolen, and your information could fall into the wrong hands.Example 5: You are accused of doing something insensitive online (not caring about trauma, being racist, etc.) You have a personal connection to the thing you have said/written. You decide to defend yourself by revealing something very personal about yourself, such as a mental health diagnosis, history of trauma, or painful life situation.Danger: There is no guarantee that your explanation will be taken seriously or in good faith. If you are being bullied, your confession could be used to bully you further. Even if you convince some people, there will be other people who will likely take your confession and turn it back against you. Never feel pressured to reveal personal, private information to justify yourself to people online. You deserve respect as you are, and you deserve privacy and safety.

Question & Answer

Q: I was taught to share information about myself so other people could make a decision about whether to interact with me.A: Your safety comes first. Sharing information online puts you at risk. Put yourself first and let other people make their own decisions.Q: I want to share information about myself so I can find other similar people.A: Many of us want to join affinity groups (groups based on people who have similar characteristics). There is nothing wrong with this. You should simply keep in mind the risks of sharing information. You should also consider not putting all your information in one easy place, such as a carrd. This allows anyone and everyone to obtain personal information about you very quickly, instead of them having to get to know you over time, or instead of you telling it to people specifically and directly.Q: I want to make a space safer (separating adults from minors) by asking for identifying information.A: You are participating in what is called "security theater" -- you are performing safety without creating safety. Collecting and storing sensitive data is dangerous and makes people less safe. Identification can be faked and dates can be lied about. By creating this security theater, you cause people to lower their guard recklessly and become more likely to interact harmfully with a minor, since they are now outsourcing the 'ID check' to you, the space runner. Eliminate unsafe security theater and encourage adults to pay better attention to every situation.

Adults & Minors

A power imbalance exists between minors and adults. Adults can legally make their own decisions, like where to live, where and when to work, who can touch them, and what to do with their health. Minors do not get to choose where they live, whether they can go to school, whether they are allowed to be touched (examples include corporal punishment as well as basic disrespect of boundaries, such as pushing, grabbing, prodding, or tickling), and what do with their health (parents may prevent their children from getting vaccines, increasing the chances of illness and death for their children.) Adults usually only have their privileges (such as accessing the internet) revoked if they break the law. Children may have their privileges (such as accessing the internet, talking to their friends, and wearing clothes of their choice) revoked for arbitrary reasons.Part of the power imbalance between adults and minors is that adults have more life experience, and are therefore able to make more complex plans and decisions. This is most easily understood in terms of imagining a second grader trying to race an eighth grader (a seven-year-old versus a thirteen-year-old, respectively.) The second grader is not a less interesting or less important person than the eighth grader. However, the eighth grader is more physically developed, and therefore more likely to be faster.Just as it would be unfair and unbalanced for an eighth grader to go around racing second graders, it is unfair and unbalanced for adults to seek out children for emotional support or sexual desires.Many adults and minors are increasingly uncomfortable sharing online spaces with one another. For adults, it is now a common online harassment tactic to accuse people of being a pedophile if you do not like them or something about them. Adults are thus afraid of being implicated in misbehavior if they interact with minors. For minors, the internet is filled with a wide range of adults, from friendly to inappropriate to actively predatory, and it can be difficult to tell the difference. Minors may assume that all adults are predatory in order to try and be safe. Other minors may disregard safety entirely, due to curiosity, boredom, or boldness.However, adults and minors are capable of behaving appropriately with one another. Here are some basic concepts.

Minors: Assessing For Safety

How do you assess whether an adult is behaving appropriately towards you? Here are a few questions to ask. Answering 'yes' to these questions indicates that an adult is unsafe.1. Do they ask unprompted, uninvited questions about your sex life? Do they ask specific, prying questions about your sexuality? Asking an adult for basic sex education advice is not automatically a red flag. Adults can offer perspective on sexuality. However, an adult who asks about your sexuality or sex life out of the blue is crossing a boundary. A boundary is a limit that you set on what words or actions someone is allowed to take with you. If someone crosses a boundary, you are allowed to respond by ending the interaction or relationship.Asking about specific sexual details uninvited constitutes sexual harassment. You will probably realize this when it happens -- it will feel 'weird' and 'creepy'. These adults are unsafe. It is best to block them, cut contact, avoid them, and report them to whoever is in charge of a space. If they are in charge of the space, it is best to leave.2. Do they make inappropriate or mean comments about your body, your clothing, your hobbies, or your friends? Adults are older and they are supposed to be more mature. They are expected to have better emotional control, which means they are supposed to keep their harsher thoughts to themselves. Adults who tease, belittle, or bully you are unsafe.3. Do they try to act like 'a friend your age'? A safe adult will understand that the years of experience that separate you means they are charged with being more responsible. They will understand they cannot be a friend to you like friends your age are. A safe adult will keep a respectful distance and maintain an awareness of their age. Adults who try to act your age and insinuate themselves as a friend your age are being deceptive. Again, it is best to get distance. These people are immature at best and predatory at worst.4. Do they ask for pictures of you? Do they try to meet you offline? An adult online should not solicit pictures of a minor. If an adult sees a picture of you, compliments you, and tries to get more pictures of you, block them. If an adult tries to obtain your contact information to arrange an in-person meeting, block them.5. Does the adult offer or promise to try and help you or save you? Do they try to create a special, 'best friends' or 'boyfriend/girlfriend' relationship? Do they tell you that you are special and that they love you? You may have a difficult life offline and you are hoping that someone will see that you are special and offer you help. However, a safe adult will not try to make a secret, special relationship with you online. Many forms of special treatment constitute 'grooming'. 'Grooming' is behavior done by an adult in hopes of procuring sexual behavior from a minor. By being especially nice to you in secret, these adults may be hoping to hurt you later. You should report this behavior to a friend or adult who is safe and block this unsafe adult.6. Does the adult push your boundaries after you have told them 'no'? Have you stated that you don't want to write or talk about something, and the adult ignores your request, tries to make you feel guilty, or otherwise refuses to listen to you? Do they introduce topics that make you uncomfortable even after you have said you are uncomfortable? By pushing one boundary, they may be testing you to see what else they can get from you. Even if this person feels like your 'friend', a real friend would listen when you said 'no'. It is best to stop talking to this person immediately.

Adults: Being A Safe Adult

Congratulations, you grew up! As an adult, you have experiences and privileges that children do not. This means you have responsibilities. Whether you are running a space where minors are allowed or simply running across minors online, you, as an adult, have certain responsibilities. It is a bad thing to be an asshole, and it is especially bad to be an asshole to minors. I'm sure you didn't like that when you were a kid -- don't pass it down. Here's some basics for being a safe adult.1. Don't be mean. Kids have big emotions, short tempers, and fewer life experiences. They do not have the same resources as an adult to manage themselves. A child may upset you by saying something harsh or provocative, but it is your job as the adult to keep your cool. When they say stuff that you know is wrong, remember the kinds of things you said at their age. If a minor really gets under your skin, disengage from the interaction until you have cooled off.2. Set a good example. How you deal with other adults is how minors will learn to treat you and each other. Being selfish, unfair, hostile, impulsive, or otherwise over-the-top sets the bar. When interacting with a minor, behave in a way that shows how to apply critical thinking, emotional control, and conflict resolution. This doesn't mean you can't be yourself or be funny -- it just means you should be aware of what lessons someone might take from your behavior.3. Be patient, and explain yourself in age-appropriate ways. Minors are not stupid, they are just younger. Use your critical thinking skills and apply them to your actions and decisions. Is what you're doing fair? Does it make sense? Why are you recommending or discouraging something? Sit down, think about it, and slowly put it into words that a young person can understand. Think about how the minor feels, and try to relate what you're saying to their experiences.4. Limit discussions of graphic content. Children have access to the internet, which means they are seeing pornography, swear words, and violence at much younger ages. That said, exercise discretion when talking about R-rated topics. Avoid discussing R-rated topics with minors in private outside of detached, clinical talk (such as providing informational links on safe sex, domestic violence safety, etc.)5. Do not lean on children for emotional support. A child is in a subordinate power position to an adult. Turning to them for emotional support is exercising power over them and is bad. Vent to other adults about your problems, not minors.6. Don't be a cult leader. Many adults are tempted by the prospect of being 'cool' in front of younger people. They seek to exercise their adult knowledge and experiences in order to bring attentive, more ignorant young people into their orbit. It can be tempting to seek the easy praise of people who don't know any better. Do not do this. Seek emotional validation from other adults.

Question & Answer

Q: But I do not like children.A: We were all children once. All of us can remember adults who treated us like we were not worthy of kindness or respect. We want to make sure we are not passing on that unkindness or disrespect, even if we do not want to spend time with children in a committed capacity. Knowing how to be a safe adult helps us keep our ethics in the front of our minds in case we encounter a younger person.Q: I wish to avoid children entirely.A: It is perfectly acceptable to prefer adult-oriented spaces. However, if you come across a Stop sign, you should know how to pump the brakes, and you should be able to spot if anyone else is running a 'Stop' sign. You should be able to identify other adults who are being unsafe, and thereby intervene accordingly -- usually by speaking with the unsafe adult directly and pointing out what they are doing.Q: A minor has approached me to roleplay. What do I do?A: First off, were you recently a minor? If you are a newly minted 18-year-old talking to your 16-year-old and 15-year-old friends, you are all teenagers who may even still be in school together. Do not start thinking of yourself as a now-magically-fully-formed adult simply because you have had a birthday. The point of noting ages is to make sure that people are measuring their life experiences to keep from hurting other people or being hurt. It is not meant to make people scared or paranoid that they will automatically hurt someone because of their age.Second of all, what is the minor asking to roleplay? If you are strictly confining yourself to Safe For Work, PG-13 themes, you are not doing anything wrong. Adults and minors have many overlapping hobbies and interests, such as music, television, and art. It is perfectly normal to engage in inter-generational conversation, as long as you, the adult, are firm on your boundaries about PG-13 contact.Do not roleplay Not Safe For Work or R-rated content with minors. Do not start to regard a minor as a 'friend your age', an 'old soul', or anything that exaggerates their capabilities or life experiences. Do remember that you, as the adult, have the responsibility to keep your roleplay PG-13, Safe For Work, and otherwise age appropriate. If you can maintain these boundaries, you are not doing anything wrong.Q: I am concerned about how an adult is behaving online.A: First, start by collecting as much information as possible. Contact potential victims and confirm you have evidence of inappropriate behavior. Someone may be behaving in a way you do not like, but it might not rise to the level of crime. You can still step in if you see an adult interacting inappropriately with a minor.Remember that accusing anyone of a crime, especially a crime against children, is incredibly serious. Do not cast these life-ending aspersions unless you have positive, non-circumstantial evidence of wrongdoing. Do not engage in public speculation. If possible, approach victims directly, and then confront the specific adult directly. Collecting evidence, evaluating evidence, speaking with relevant parties, and confronting people is laborious and time intensive. The potential for destruction is great, so move slowly and think carefully, even though you may be feeling intense emotions during the process.Due to the irreversible harm that criminal accusations can cause, vigilante action is deeply discouraged. It is better to focus on getting victims away from their abusers and linking those victims to resources than it is to engage in vigilante justice. If you cannot prove there are any victims, then it stands that you may simply just not like a fellow adult, and you should leave them alone.

Scripts

It helps to have some basic interruptors for when an online or roleplay interaction starts going a way that makes you uncomfortable. Here are a few basic scripts.

Sometimes we are not compatible with someone, even if they are safe. Try not to confuse regular disappointment or discomfort with a lack of safety. We can feel anxious or nervous because a conversation is hard, even if the other person is safe. We do not want to treat people like they are dangerous just because we are scared or have a history of trauma. Here are a few basic closers.